How to be Hardcore
This is a list I made in 2002 when I was 18 years old.
001) Be tough at all times.
002) Never cheer after a show…only clap.
003) Be open minded in a “punch people” kind of way.
004) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
005) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
006) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 3 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
007) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
008) Don’t admit you listen to heavy metal.
009) (Exception to rule 8) Only admit you listen to
heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear
80’s cheese metal shirts.
010) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
011) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
012) A hardcore band is only original if you call it
something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore,
Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core.
013) Remember, it’s fun to punch and kick kung fu
014) Keep it in the do-jo.
015) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
016) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
017) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
018) Tell people you work in the music industry.
019) More Ankles people!
020) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
021) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
022) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan.
023) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy
024) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
025) Smoking and drinking and having sex before
marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys
026) Whatever you do, don’t let the singer on stage
ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It’s a wonder they didn’t put
you on the album.
027) Start your own hardcore band.
028) Have your logo resemble some random 80’s product for nostalgia.
029) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
030) If you are shy start an emo band so you don’t have to look at the audience.
031) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
032) Add the Letter X before and after important words: XhardcorekidX, XmoshfuckX
033) Never say “Did you hear the new Strung Out?”
Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
034) It’s merch not merchandise.
035) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
036) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
037) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more
hardcore you are.
038) Your ear should be stretched out enough to
accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
039) People in the front row are best used as a
ladder/staircase to reach your goal…steal the mic
away from the singer.
040) When people ask you if you like a band always say “I only like the old stuff” or “I haven’t really
gotten into the new stuff”.
041) Buy all of that bands merch.
042) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
043) Repeat steps 41 and 42.
044) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are
thick, black framed ones.
045) Don’t tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
046) Never admit you don’t like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
047) Complain that they are playing with slayer but
don’t admit you actually like Slayer.
048) Complain at all costs.
049) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
050) Real hardcore kids are really struggling
051) You don’t go to hardcore concerts, you go to
hardcore shows. BIG difference.
052) Name your hardcore dance moves things like “The mother fuck” or “kick that guys ass move” or better yet…stay home and cry.
053) Protect your body from swinging limbs by
sacrificing your two arms.
054) Scream about love.
055) All age venues are important so you are not
tempted to drink.
056) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
057) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
058)Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
059) Velcro shoes are cool.
060) Don’t admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
061) Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly.
062) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
063) If 100 bands from around the world play in your city. All of them are the world’s best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
064) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
065) Re-issue your demos after every album.
066) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
067) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
068) Complain some more.
069nice) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
070) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
071) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girlfriend to the hardcore band from New York.
072) Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
073) American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben)
074) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
075) Fuck beer, got breast milk?
076) Bandanas are cool.
077) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
078) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser.
079) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
080) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
081) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
082) Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
083) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
084) Describe your group of friends as “the scene” and then watch bootlegs of last weeks.
085) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
086) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with “I am hardcore” then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
087) Keep punching
088) Kick a little too
090) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
091) Pretend you have won the fight then pickup your
dismembered left arm.
092) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
093) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too
094) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that
095) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
096) Straight bangs means straight-edge
097) Being vegan means you can’t swallow sperm.
098) When in doubt mock everything
099) Take everything personally.
100) Assume this list is about you!